They're not the dirty words you're thinking... they are the dirty words of therapy. The one's that many therapists don't mention in their marketing because they tend to scare potential clients away. Have you guessed what they are yet? They are words that we all have a relationship to, yet many of us avoid using because oftentimes when we use them to refer to ourselves, we feel somehow marked by life's experiences and therefore unfixable or incomplete. Every therapist knows that they will at some point access this elephant in the room if they are worth their salt.
Yes, you guessed it. The words are shame and trauma. A trusted advisor recently told me to take these words off my homepage, which I did, but I thought it prudent to address this issue here. Therapy is absolutely the safe place to address shame and trauma. Do you have to go right into it in your first session? No. It makes complete sense to get to know your therapist and spend time building a trusting relationship with them prior to addressing any issues of shame and/or trauma.
In addition, there are many clients who feel that the words shame and or trauma do not adequately reflect their experience. The human experience is layered and multifaceted. While one client may feel that being tickled as a kid was just a fun experience of bonding with their parents, another may have felt trapped, unable to breathe and out of alignment with their caregivers. There are no two people who will experience the world in the same way, and there is no equation for what will or will not cause trauma, and sometimes the language we use to describe our experience differs. Language fails us at times, so we do our best to get the point across.
This becomes especially important when folks become parents, because while parents may be doing the best that they can (and I believe many parents are!) there are some experiences we simply cannot protect our children from. Just like are some experiences we had that we were not protected from.
The point here is that we all have some experience with shame and/or trauma, and there is no shame in it. It doesn't make you less whole or adequate or lovable as a human being. It is simply another unique aspect of you, and how you dealt with and moved past that shame or trauma is likely an important part of your story. Sharing that story in therapy can help you to relieve some of the burden you have been carrying, as well as help you reframe and integrate your experiences. This can lead to more self-awareness, greater compassion for others, and more authenticity (all good things if you ask me). Just ask the tree that grows crooked on the side of a cliff. Does it make it less of a tree? Does the tree look any less beautiful because it grows on a cliff? No - the tree is a glorious feat of nature, as are you.
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